Some big things have been happening, I’m finally getting a chance to write about! This past weekend I accepted a job at the Habitat for Humanity, I will be an Assistant Manager at their store and helping with their HR duties! I feel so incredibly blessed with this opportunity! It has been a dream to find a ‘good fit’ within a non-profit, something that will allow me to grow and pursue more of an HR role down the line as I continue with my education.
I am so sad to be leaving my current position, and my city that I have grown to love but my heart is in Northwest Arkansas, it has always been home to me. I cannot wait to get back and settle in! In addition to a new job, I will be getting a place with Romualdo which is SUPER exciting and crazy! 🙂
This entire process has been a roller coaster of emotions. The hope of applying for a job, to the disappointment of getting passed over after two interviews and now house/apartment hunting. I truly believe this is a position that God has planned for me to have and I am so excited to get started! I’m sure I will have some great stories and struggles to share throughout the next several months!
I have mentioned my pets before, but I haven’t really given a lot of detail. I’ve decided it’s time to introduce you all to my fur children. 🙂 Before anyone makes any rude comments, I KNOW they aren’t real babies. But until I have some of my own, these kids are my world!
Kiarra: I took this girl in about 5 years ago. She’s a German Shepherd/Lab mix and belonged to my fiance(at the time)’s mother. Kiarra kept getting loose and killing livestock and the owner wanted to go dump her. Long story short, I took her in! When I moved to Tulsa, I had to keep her at my mom’s until I could afford and find a place that would allow her. This pup is like my shadow…unless it’s thundering. She is always by my side, watching over me. While she isn’t aggressive, she is very protective of me! She is my 50-lb lap dog who has nO idea how big she is.
Jax: The newest addition to our family! He is just over 3 months old. His momma was a black and white Cocker Spaniel, and we believe his dad must’ve been a Jack Russell. He’s so onry! The first puppy I’ve been around in many, many years – it has been quite the learning experience! I cant’ wait to see his personality develop, he loves everyone he meets!
Mitsy: I’ve had this sweet girl the longest! She’s been with me for about 8 years, she was around 2 when I got her. She’s a Siamese (of some sort). Mitsy runs the house – she keeps them all in line and doesn’t take any lip from any of them! She can lay in the same spot ALL day long but loves to look out the window and watch birds, or roll around in the dirt when I let her out!
We found Patches in a ditch about 11 years ago. She bonded with my younger brother and stayed at my mom’s when I went off to college. My mother moved a year ago and decided she didn’t want to keep Patches anymore, so I took her. She’s the sweetest cat ever! Her favorite place is at the top of my closet (don’t ask me how she gets up there).
Sir Pounce: Sir Pounce has been with me for about a year and a half. He was a stray at my mother’s, and they were going to go dump him (have I mentioned my mom HATES cats?). So, of course, I took him in. He’s the biggest baby ever. All he wants to do is lay on me 24/7. When I’m not sitting/laying down, he’s right under my feet.
Norbert & Shrimp: We purchased these guys about 3 months ago as a deterrent to getting a puppy – notice it didn’t work. 🙂
“The worst part of a good day is knowing it’s slipping away.” – Counting Crows
As usual, I had my Spotify playing while at work today and these lyrics hit home. For many of us who struggle with mental illness, you just never know when the darkness will hit. I’ve caught my self worrying and having anxiety when I’m having a great day because I know it won’t last. I know that it is only a matter of time before the sadness takes over and pulls me down. I catch myself avoiding friends and family, afraid to be happy – knowing the crash that comes afterwards is not worth it. I refer to it as the “afterburn”. Have I forgotten who I am without the darkness?
I’m not sure which is worse, the loneliness when avoiding the light or the darkness that comes after it…?
I’ve often wondered…Why is it so incredibly easy to fake being okay? Have we been forced to conform for so long that we do not know how to be ourselves? Is there anyone brave enough to step through the walls we’ve built and see us for who we truly are? I am the most guilty of hiding myself, of hiding my pain so as not to burden those around me. But this morning I had to stop and ask myself if it is really helping them to only know this facade?
I try not to share too many articles on here, as I believe it needs to be kept as original as possible, but the following article hit home for me. Please take a few moments and click here or follow the link below to read it. Thanks!
Last night I had the opportunity to be a part of a group mentoring session with Tulsa’s ReEntry One Stop. This organization helps women and men coming out of incarceration to reintegrate back into the community. (See link below) They set up mentors with inmates to be a friend – not a mother, babysitter, counselor, parole officer – but just someone who can be there to support them. Many women are about to go home to the same situations Read More »
It’s okay to feel pain. It’s what you do with that hurt that builds your character. It’s okay to let it change you, to make you stronger, use it to become an even better version of yourself!
As difficult as my depression is, when it knocks me down so hard that I never want to get back up, I know I have to keep fighting. I cannot be that girl that gave up. When the pain is too hard to bear, I know that I cannot give in. Giving in would be letting everyone I love and care about down. This thought is sometimes the only thing to keep me going. Even when my thoughts take over and try to tell me that they won’t care, or that they’ll get over it. I know that it would change them. I would never want to be the reason someone else experiences this type of pain.
We have each been given our own struggles, our own battles to fight as we go along this path of life. Whether it is addiction, abuse, or mental illness, we get up each morning and keep fighting. Our spirit is strong and we do not give up! We are brave.
I would give anything to break free of these chains that are holding me back. This heaviness I feel pulsing through my veins that doesn’t let me breathe, it doesn’t let me feel anything but the numbing weight of life.
I struggle to admit when I fall back into this state of mind. I go out more, I try to stay more active, but it is all just a facade. The worse I feel the harder I strive to hide it. I know it would hurt those closest to me to learn that I don’t want to go on. That breathing is a struggle.
The whispers creep back into my mind. Reminding me that this never gets better, that each time I relapse I fall even harder. Cutting used to be a release but now it doesn’t even ease the pain I feel. So I lay here. Taking one breath at a time and reminding myself over and over and over again that it will pass. It has to pass.
It’s been three months since you took your last breaths, and yet I’m still here. Clinging to the memories we had. I couldn’t be there every day, and spending time together was an event that didn’t happen nearly enough. Between working and building a life, I took for granted the life you had built. Your life that was strong, full of faith, a rock that I could always lean on. I couldn’t be there every week like the others, and this is something that I must live with. What I would give for just one more day to sit on that porch swing and enjoy the nice summer breeze while your barn cats curl up in our laps. I never dreamed that the end would come so suddenly, with no warning, no time to prepare.
But it is not about me. This is about you. The life you lived, the family you created, and the legacy you leave behind. You lived your life for the best. You showed us how to love and be loved. Never faltering from the wedding vows you spoke so many years ago. Maintaining your faith in everything you did. As I look around, I see how much you taught each of us. Your calm spirit and stubborn demeanor have held on through us all, thank you.