For years I have waited for people to change, to grow, to be who I need them to be. But who am I to demand that? They are who they are, and I am who I am. If it means we have to go our separate ways, then I must accept that fate. I am slowly learning that I can only be the best at who I am, I cannot expect others to be something they are not. At the end of the day I must make the choice to continue living and to continue giving, and to leave those who hinder this.
Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or anything else around this time of year, I want to wish you the best! From my heart to yours, I hope the coming year brings joy and blessings to you and your family!
The problem with CPTSD is that the battles continue. Even if you remove those who hurt you from your life, their presence will ever be in your mind. Their words, their actions, the pain they caused will continue to be a part of your very being.
My thoughts have been shaped by the events of my childhood. How can I know if my reaction is genuine or if it is conditioned? How can I know who I am?
One thing will always remain true, one thing that I can count on…. That I will not be defeated by the actions of others. The past may continue to haunt my dreams and it may continue to be a dark cloud hovering above me for years to come, but I will not give up. Regardless of how broken I feel or how many times I feel that the past has caught up with me, and that I am losing the battle, I will not surrender.
Self care is not something that I practice regularly. I know how important it is, and all of the benefits but somehow I never am able to make time to just breathe. The busier I am, and the more stressed I become, I just ignore the need I have to just take some alone time and decompress even though this is when I need it most.
As you can imagine, this does not end well. For me or for those closest to me. All of the exhaustion, stress, and depression just pile up until I lash out. It takes something small, like my boo getting home later than he said he would, or something ridiculous, and I go off. Bless his heart, he has to put up with this almost daily. I am definitely not proud of it, and after I lose my temper a wave of shame comes over me.
I used to pride myself in being very controlled emotionally. I did not lose my temper or even cry in front of others. Through the last few years, this has all changed dramatically. I now struggle to keep any emotions to myself whether it is impatience, sadness, irritability, or anything else. In some ways I needed to let myself be more “real” to those around me, but I fear I have now gone too far overboard and there is no way to reign these issues back in.
Hopefully I am not alone in this. I know we all handle stress differently but it seems to be compounded lately for me. I fear it is only a matter of time before these outbursts begin to push away those that matter most!
Remember that you are awesome!! You can do anything that you set your mind to, if you just keep trying!
The 2016 Presidential elections are finally over. While some Americans are rejoicing, many of us are struggling to accept the reality that Trump will be the 45th POTUS. I can not express my disappointment enough, and I did temporarily give into the fear that comes along with this realization. But this fear and borderline depression gave way to the realization that this is not the time to give up.
Now that the news has sunk in and I have had time to analyze the situation I am becoming very inspired. It is easy to blame the DNC for what happened, stating that Bernie would have won in a landslide, and I wish we would have had the chance to see if that were true. We can blame the racists, the bigots, the big money, the deplorables,but blaming them will not get us anywhere. We cannot dwell on the past. What’s done is done.
It is time for us to stand our ground. We must stand up for our rights and the rights of minorities. We cannot let this country give in to the hatred that seeps from Trump’s campaign.
Now is the time to rise up. We must protect what many before us have given their lives to achieve. We must fight for equality. Equal rights. Equal responsibility. Equal respect.
Last month I had what I can only describe as a “mental health crisis”. It had been years since I had had an incident that severe. It came on suddenly and I still have no idea what triggered it. One minute I was having a conversation with a co-worker and the next I had to run to my office because I just became so angry and began crying…
I felt as though my skin was just crawling, like something evil was pulsing through my veins. I could barely see straight, let alone get a grasp on my thoughts. My hands were shaking, I felt as though I could just explode at any second.
I needed to cut. I needed to cry. I needed to scream. To run away. But how do you escape your own mind??