When My Depression Turns to Anger

Self care is not something that I practice regularly. I know how important it is, and all of the benefits but somehow I never am able to make time to just breathe. The busier I am, and the more stressed I become, I just ignore the need I have to just take some alone time and decompress even though this is when I need it most.

As you can imagine, this does not end well. For me or for those closest to me. All of the exhaustion, stress, and depression just pile up until I lash out. It takes something small, like my boo getting home later than he said he would, or something ridiculous, and I go off. Bless his heart, he has to put up with this almost daily. I am definitely not proud of it, and after I lose my temper a wave of shame comes over me.

I used to pride myself in being very controlled emotionally. I did not lose my temper or even cry in front of others. Through the last few years, this has all changed dramatically. I now struggle to keep any emotions to myself whether it is impatience, sadness, irritability, or anything else. In some ways I needed to let myself be more “real” to those around me, but I fear I have now gone too far overboard and there is no way to reign these issues back in.

Hopefully I am not alone in this. I know we all handle stress differently but it seems to be compounded lately for me. I fear it is only a matter of time before these outbursts begin to push away those that matter most!

Well…Now What?

freedom

The 2016 Presidential elections are finally over. While some Americans are rejoicing, many of us are struggling to accept the reality that Trump will be the 45th POTUS. I can not express my disappointment enough, and I did temporarily give into the fear that comes along with this realization. But this fear and borderline depression gave way to the realization that this is not the time to give up.

Now that the news has sunk in and I have had time to analyze the situation I am becoming very inspired. It is easy to blame the DNC for what happened, stating that Bernie would have won in a landslide, and I wish we would have had the chance to see if that were true. We can blame the racists, the bigots, the big money, the deplorables,but blaming them will not get us anywhere.  We cannot dwell on the past. What’s done is done.

It is time for us to stand our ground. We must stand up for our rights and the rights of minorities. We cannot let this country give in to the hatred that seeps from Trump’s campaign.

Now is the time to rise up. We must protect what many before us have given their lives to achieve. We must fight for equality. Equal rights. Equal responsibility. Equal respect.

Crisis

Last month I had what I can only describe as a “mental health crisis”. It had been years since I had had an incident that severe. It came on suddenly and I still have no idea what triggered it. One minute I was having a conversation with a co-worker and the next I had to run to my office because I just became so angry and began crying…

I felt as though my skin was just crawling, like something evil was pulsing through my veins. I could barely see straight, let alone get a grasp on my thoughts. My hands were shaking, I felt as though I could just explode at any second.

I needed to cut. I needed to cry. I needed to scream. To run away. But how do you escape your own mind??

afraid-of-your-own-mind

 

 

Good Days

“The worst part of a good day is knowing it’s slipping away.” – Counting Crows

As usual, I had my Spotify playing while at work today and these lyrics hit home. For many of us who struggle with mental illness, you just never know when the darkness will hit. I’ve caught my self worrying and having anxiety when I’m having a great day because I know it won’t last. I know that it is only a matter I understand this... I wouldn't be the same without the things I've survived. I'd love to not remember the things I do, but at the same time.... At the same time, my past shaped me. And without it, I would not be who I am, and I get more comfortable with who she is every day.of time before the sadness takes over and pulls me down. I catch myself avoiding friends and family, afraid to be happy – knowing the crash that comes afterwards is not worth it. I refer to it as the “afterburn”. Have I forgotten who I am without the darkness?

I’m not sure which is worse, the loneliness when avoiding the light or the darkness that comes after it…?

 

Hiding…

This is a difficult place to leave, but sometimes you have to ask for help. Never give up.:

I’ve often wondered…Why is it so incredibly easy to fake being okay? Have we been forced to conform for so long that we do not know how to be ourselves? Is there anyone brave enough to step through the walls we’ve built and see us for who we truly are? I am the most guilty of hiding myself, of hiding my pain so as not to burden those around me. But this morning I had to stop and ask myself if it is really helping them to only know this facade?

Keep Fighting

Quotes Of The Day – 14 Pics:

As difficult as my depression is, when it knocks me down so hard that I never want to get back up, I know I have to keep fighting. I cannot be that girl that gave up. When the pain is too hard to bear, I know that I cannot give in. Giving in would be letting everyone I love and care about down. This thought is sometimes the only thing to keep me going. Even when my thoughts take over and try to tell me that they won’t care, or that they’ll get over it. I know that it would change them. I would never want to be the reason someone else experiences this type of pain.

We have each been given our own struggles, our own battles to fight as we go along this path of life. Whether it is addiction, abuse, or mental illness, we get up each morning and keep fighting. Our spirit is strong and we do not give up! We are brave.