Dreaming of Unbroken Promises

I’ve posted about relationships in the past and it always comes back to bite me. It seems as though if I let myself get caught up in the happiness of it, I miss the warning signs.  The other side is that I focus too much on every little thing that could possibly go wrong. It’s like one little comment will set off a whole chain of thoughts that I can’t stop. For instance, if the guy I care about says he wants to go into business, my mind instantly focuses on the business trips he will be going on and all of the obscene ‘events’ that take place on these trips. A coworker was an auditor for a large company in our area, she would monitor expense reports and such, and these men were getting away with expensing strippers and such. Now….I tend to have a pretty open mind when it comes to these things. I know boys will be boys…but I pray that if I do ever marry someone, they will have enough respect for me to just say no. The most frustrating it seems, is that if I voice these fears or opinions, somehow I am the ridiculous one.

Trust me when I say this…I know that it is extremely irrational and completely silly. The reason for this post is that I need to see if I am the only one that worries about these things. For those of you who are married, how on earth do you trust someone with your heart, with your life?? I’m the first to admit, I’m a worrier.. I stress about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong. This began as a way to cope, or a way to be prepared for the unexpected, but it has gotten a little our of control.

Possibly some of this has come from being in relationships where the guys couldn’t be bothered to stay faithful. They played the game, told me all the things I needed and wanted to hear…come to find out it was just a game. Just a challenge, something new. I want to believe that there is something more. Something worth breaking down the walls I’ve put up, to let someone in, let them see all of me…someone who will stay and fight through the bad times. I want someone to stand up and do what is right, even when it isn’t easy.

The lyrics to Mother & Father by Broods really stood out to me tonight, “I don’t wanna wake up lonely, I don’t wanna just be fine.” The sentence sums up perfectly what I fear, exactly what I don’t want. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be lonely with someone.

Once again, I have rambled in circles.  I really should stop writing late at night…Sorry!

Always, Meg.

I Believe…

I came across this topic idea the other day.  When I began writing I thought it would be difficult to come up with 10 things, but in writing, I realized it was hard to stop at 10! 🙂

1. I believe that rain (and snow) bring a sense of purity. Everything is fresh and new after a fresh rain or snow.

2. I believe in the good.  I choose to believe that if you foster to the good in someone, they have a fighting chance no matter what.

3. I believe in God.  I am not religious, but I believe in the spiritual sense.

4. I believe in meditation.  I am still working on this, but I believe in becoming self-aware and letting your body just breathe.

5. I believe that you can learn a valuable lesson from each individual you encounter.

6. I believe that the most powerful actions you may take are sometimes the smallest.

7. I believe that animals have souls.  I believe they were put here for humans to learn unconditional love.

8. I believe in hard work.  The best feeling is the exhaustion after you have given 100% to a project.

9. I believe in doing the right thing.  It may not be the easy choice, and it may not bring about the best of luck, but I believe if we all did our part, the world could be an amazing place.

10. I believe that silence, and being comfortable alone can lead to true happiness.

Tinder: The Social Experiment

Is this really what life has come down to?

Call me old-fashioned, but I like to think I find someone to date based on more than a few bad front seat selfies.  Yet if the picture isn’t at least halfway decent, I’m not going to waste the time even swiping right.  I can’t speak for the guys, but I will say the dudes on there are pretty sketch. I’m very open minded and try to give everyone a fair chance – but I’m not looking to get murdered and dumped in a ditch. Just saying.

God forbid you actually do match with someone.  The awkwardness that follows is enough to make anyone go buy 5 cats and a moo-moo.  No one REALLY cares how your day is going, let alone .  Let’s come up with some better ice breakers?  I for one, will put any of the suggestions that are prompted, just to see the reaction.  I mean, why not? It’s not like I’ll ever actually see these people.

It amazes me that even when I specifically put in my profile that I am not looking to hook up, that’s the first thing a guy  might ask.  Like really?  Does that actually work for you?  I’m just going to invite you over and let you under my sheets?  Sorry, but I at least need a drink first….maybe a few if that’s truly all you have to offer. And don’t expect me to shave my legs.

Of course, there are the guys asking marriage questions right off the bat! I can’t decide which is worse if I’m being honest. At least suffer through the awkward small talk before you ask me what my 5-year plan is, how many kids I want, and my favorite…how often I plan to have sex with my husband. Which is exactly when my feminist side comes out, I’m not here to ‘serve’ anyone.  IF I ever get married, we will decide if we even want children, and how we can help each other!

Many times, I’ve wondered if there are just a bunch of old guys with beards sitting around reading everything sent on tinder.   Just taking notes at how our society is going downhill at an exceptional speed. Or possibly it’s some Divergent-like experiment where only the strong make it out alive?? We may never know!

Keep swiping!

Always,

Meg

Loving the Broken Girl

Broken.  That is how I feel when a relationship begins to get serious.  I have gone through years of counseling and self-improvement, but some things will always be a part of me. I’m not that girl in a relationship that has her shit together, or is “whole”.  I know I have a lot to work on, but so does everyone else.  It’s important that we are patient with each other, and if you believe it’s right…don’t give up.

I have come up with a handful of things that are definitely important in truly any relationship, but are absolutely essential to anyone who has either gone through a difficult childhood, or bad relationships.

1. Be Patient.  I cannot say this enough.  She may think she is over something that happened in the past, but if you start taking the same actions that someone else leading up to them hurting her, she will react.  She really has no control over this.  Her mind is just trying to protect her.

2. Call Her. We live in an age where texting is the norm.  99% of the time it is just fine. But if you haven’t been able to spend time together, or your texting is just becoming superficial, pick up the phone to reconnect with her.  I promise it will make a difference.  It will also show her that giving her 10 minutes of your time is more important than whatever TV show is on or the video game you are playing.

3. Don’t make false promises. This will tie in with my point listed below, but i wanted to elaborate on each a little differently.  So many of the guys I’ve dated start talking about a possible future as early as a month in..This is not acceptable.  Unless you legitimately plan to propose within the first 6 months, don’t give her those ideas.  I promise you she is already fighting those thoughts on her own.  We all have that fantasy of meeting someone and essentially falling in love at first sight.  The reality is that it does not happen like this.

4. Be someone she can count on. If you can’t, then don’t waste her time.  She will give her all for you, for your good days and bad.  She just needs the same thing in return.  I’m not saying she needs a grand gesture, but if she’s had a bad day, take the time to listen to her, don’t just jump into your own issues.  Any relationship is about give & take, sometimes more giving than taking.

5. Make Plans. If every weekend you wait until Friday or Saturday to just ask what she has going on, she will most likely have plans already.  Or she will have waited & possibly blown off her friends in hopes that you will call and invite her to do something.  Don’t get me wrong, I am all for an evening on the couch with Netflix, but let her know that’s what you WANT.  Not just something you are doing because nothing else better to do came along.

6. Never, Ever, use her past against her. This seems pretty obvious, right? Apparently it isn’t.  We do not choose our parents, siblings, schools.  Only to a small extent can we choose how we react to situations we have been placed in. As much as we have healed and overcome, it will always find a way into our daily life.  In the little choices we make or the small things we pick up on.

I look forward to any thoughts or additions you all might have!!

Always,

Meg

Thursday Pick-Me-UP

I just thought I would share a post.  If you aren’t subscribed to Elephant Journal, I highly recommend checking them out! I came across them about a week ago, and immediately subscribed.  Everyday I get an email that I’m actually looking forward to! 🙂

Below is a link to just some quotes that they have.  I wanted to share!

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/04/life-changing-inspirational-quotes-infographic/?utm_source=All&utm_campaign=Daily+Moment+of+Awake+in+the+Inbox+of+Your+Mind&utm_medium=email

Happy Thursday!!

Always,

Meg

The Story of My Scars

I still remember the first time it happened.  When I was brave enough to pick up the scissors and bring it to my arm. While you may imagine doing this would cause pain, and you wonder how someone could pick up a razor, knife, or even dull scissors to do this to themselves, the relief one feels is almost indescribable. As if there is something evil pulsing through your veins and you just have to let it out. That the only way to get your head to stop spinning, for all of those horrific thoughts to stop, is to focus on the physical pain you feel.  So you cut, again and again.  A little deeper each time, because eventually you build a tolerance.

I started when at age 14, and even thirteen years later I struggle with it each and every day.  Below is an article that I came across, that really describes the recovery process for this. I just wanted to share.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/04/there-is-beauty-in-the-storm-adult/?utm_source=All&utm_campaign=Daily+Moment+of+Awake+in+the+Inbox+of+Your+Mind&utm_medium=email

The purpose of me writing this, is not for the attention or sympathy, but simply to raise awareness.  That this is not something to just pass judgement on.  My parents went through a terrible divorce beginning when I was 13, they finally had their final court date 14 years later…. But a few weeks after my father found out about my suicidal thoughts and my self-harm, we were in an argument.  He was upset and told me to just to ‘write my little sad notes and find a razor…”.  This has stuck with me ever since, and is something that I may never be able to completely forgive him for.  The fact that he didn’t even want to understand what I was going through hurt way more than a razor ever will.

Without having experienced these urges, it is seemingly impossible to connect on the same level as someone who is struggling.  Even if it has been years since they last cut, I can guarantee you they still struggle with the impulses.  Self-harm is simply a coping mechanism – no different from someone who runs to relieve stress, or someone who has a few drinks after work. Below is a great analogy that I found on Pinterest.  Please share. 🙂

A Therapist's Powerful Words On Suicide Will Change Everything You Knew About Depression #notebook

We hear over and over again that someone who commits suicide is “taking the easy way out”.  I don’t know about  you, but as low as I have been, the act of actually taking my own life is still a scary thought. And while I would NEVER advocate someone taking their own life, I do believe that for that person, this act is brave.  When their mind has turned on them, they want to save others from themselves, this is the only option that they see.

Each of us has a battle.  Each of us has a story.  What’ s yours?