It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m beginning to realize that a lot of the time I perceive issues in my relationship, it really is just something to do with me or an issue I’m dealing with. I am just the type to over analyze every little thing and I like to just get to the bottom of an issue so that it can be fixed.

I struggled this weekend, and I kept asking myself if my relationship is right. To be honest nothing at all had changed. My guy is still being the same person he was a year ago, we have grown and are stronger, but he definitely still makes an effort to show his love and everything. We are planning to buy a house, and we have been saving up for a wedding.  So why do I suddenly freak out thinking that maybe we shouldn’t be together?? I have started asking myself a question whenever these thoughts start to creep in – Is it him or is it me? Is he REALLY doing anything different or hurtful? Or am I just looking for a reason to fight, or am I just being insecure and reading too much into what he says or does?

If you are anything like me we just have to take a step back and breathe! I have to accept the fact that he does love me and he wants to be with me. He actively tries to better himself and wants me to be happy. Just like I do for him.

It has taken me so long to get to this point in life, where I can trust someone and depend on them. I just always expect something to go wrong. Unfortunately, it comes from being in abusive relationships, or dating narcissistic guys in the past who were just looking to add another notch to their headboard. Who knew it would be so hard to just relax and be happy? 🙂

The Story of My Scars

I still remember the first time it happened.  When I was brave enough to pick up the scissors and bring it to my arm. While you may imagine doing this would cause pain, and you wonder how someone could pick up a razor, knife, or even dull scissors to do this to themselves, the relief one feels is almost indescribable. As if there is something evil pulsing through your veins and you just have to let it out. That the only way to get your head to stop spinning, for all of those horrific thoughts to stop, is to focus on the physical pain you feel.  So you cut, again and again.  A little deeper each time, because eventually you build a tolerance.

I started when at age 14, and even thirteen years later I struggle with it each and every day.  Below is an article that I came across, that really describes the recovery process for this. I just wanted to share.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/04/there-is-beauty-in-the-storm-adult/?utm_source=All&utm_campaign=Daily+Moment+of+Awake+in+the+Inbox+of+Your+Mind&utm_medium=email

The purpose of me writing this, is not for the attention or sympathy, but simply to raise awareness.  That this is not something to just pass judgement on.  My parents went through a terrible divorce beginning when I was 13, they finally had their final court date 14 years later…. But a few weeks after my father found out about my suicidal thoughts and my self-harm, we were in an argument.  He was upset and told me to just to ‘write my little sad notes and find a razor…”.  This has stuck with me ever since, and is something that I may never be able to completely forgive him for.  The fact that he didn’t even want to understand what I was going through hurt way more than a razor ever will.

Without having experienced these urges, it is seemingly impossible to connect on the same level as someone who is struggling.  Even if it has been years since they last cut, I can guarantee you they still struggle with the impulses.  Self-harm is simply a coping mechanism – no different from someone who runs to relieve stress, or someone who has a few drinks after work. Below is a great analogy that I found on Pinterest.  Please share. 🙂

A Therapist's Powerful Words On Suicide Will Change Everything You Knew About Depression #notebook

We hear over and over again that someone who commits suicide is “taking the easy way out”.  I don’t know about  you, but as low as I have been, the act of actually taking my own life is still a scary thought. And while I would NEVER advocate someone taking their own life, I do believe that for that person, this act is brave.  When their mind has turned on them, they want to save others from themselves, this is the only option that they see.

Each of us has a battle.  Each of us has a story.  What’ s yours?