The problem with CPTSD is that the battles continue. Even if you remove those who hurt you from your life, their presence will ever be in your mind. Their words, their actions, the pain they caused will continue to be a part of your very being.
My thoughts have been shaped by the events of my childhood. How can I know if my reaction is genuine or if it is conditioned? How can I know who I am?
One thing will always remain true, one thing that I can count on…. That I will not be defeated by the actions of others. The past may continue to haunt my dreams and it may continue to be a dark cloud hovering above me for years to come, but I will not give up. Regardless of how broken I feel or how many times I feel that the past has caught up with me, and that I am losing the battle, I will not surrender.
When did I become so afraid of happiness? My mind is heavy this morning…once again I had several wonderful days only to be hit with a weight of sorrow and depression. The reality is, that even the great days have their struggles, but they do not get me down. I am prepared to handle them, and can focus on the pleasantries of each day. It is only when I give in to being content, when I let my guard down, that the demons catch up with me and I am knocked down and left with this feeling of complete hopelessness.
Self care is not something that I practice regularly. I know how important it is, and all of the benefits but somehow I never am able to make time to just breathe. The busier I am, and the more stressed I become, I just ignore the need I have to just take some alone time and decompress even though this is when I need it most.
As you can imagine, this does not end well. For me or for those closest to me. All of the exhaustion, stress, and depression just pile up until I lash out. It takes something small, like my boo getting home later than he said he would, or something ridiculous, and I go off. Bless his heart, he has to put up with this almost daily. I am definitely not proud of it, and after I lose my temper a wave of shame comes over me.
I used to pride myself in being very controlled emotionally. I did not lose my temper or even cry in front of others. Through the last few years, this has all changed dramatically. I now struggle to keep any emotions to myself whether it is impatience, sadness, irritability, or anything else. In some ways I needed to let myself be more “real” to those around me, but I fear I have now gone too far overboard and there is no way to reign these issues back in.
Hopefully I am not alone in this. I know we all handle stress differently but it seems to be compounded lately for me. I fear it is only a matter of time before these outbursts begin to push away those that matter most!
I recently began reading a book, called Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. While at first I was hesitant to begin reading it, the very first chapter had me casting all doubts aside. I am sure I will be posting more on this book, as I am taking my time and making sure to take in all that it has to offer when dealing with my own demons, but one particular anecdote I just couldn’t wait to share! The author tells a story of how she rushed to the airport to catch a flight and somehow left her luggage at the hotel. She tells of how she is talking down to herself – out loud – doing what most of us would do in that situation. Telling herself she is an idiot, asking who forgets their luggage Continue reading
Last month I had what I can only describe as a “mental health crisis”. It had been years since I had had an incident that severe. It came on suddenly and I still have no idea what triggered it. One minute I was having a conversation with a co-worker and the next I had to run to my office because I just became so angry and began crying…
I felt as though my skin was just crawling, like something evil was pulsing through my veins. I could barely see straight, let alone get a grasp on my thoughts. My hands were shaking, I felt as though I could just explode at any second.
I needed to cut. I needed to cry. I needed to scream. To run away. But how do you escape your own mind??
“The worst part of a good day is knowing it’s slipping away.” – Counting Crows
As usual, I had my Spotify playing while at work today and these lyrics hit home. For many of us who struggle with mental illness, you just never know when the darkness will hit. I’ve caught my self worrying and having anxiety when I’m having a great day because I know it won’t last. I know that it is only a matter of time before the sadness takes over and pulls me down. I catch myself avoiding friends and family, afraid to be happy – knowing the crash that comes afterwards is not worth it. I refer to it as the “afterburn”. Have I forgotten who I am without the darkness?
I’m not sure which is worse, the loneliness when avoiding the light or the darkness that comes after it…?
I’ve often wondered…Why is it so incredibly easy to fake being okay? Have we been forced to conform for so long that we do not know how to be ourselves? Is there anyone brave enough to step through the walls we’ve built and see us for who we truly are? I am the most guilty of hiding myself, of hiding my pain so as not to burden those around me. But this morning I had to stop and ask myself if it is really helping them to only know this facade?