When My Depression Turns to Anger

Self care is not something that I practice regularly. I know how important it is, and all of the benefits but somehow I never am able to make time to just breathe. The busier I am, and the more stressed I become, I just ignore the need I have to just take some alone time and decompress even though this is when I need it most.

As you can imagine, this does not end well. For me or for those closest to me. All of the exhaustion, stress, and depression just pile up until I lash out. It takes something small, like my boo getting home later than he said he would, or something ridiculous, and I go off. Bless his heart, he has to put up with this almost daily. I am definitely not proud of it, and after I lose my temper a wave of shame comes over me.

I used to pride myself in being very controlled emotionally. I did not lose my temper or even cry in front of others. Through the last few years, this has all changed dramatically. I now struggle to keep any emotions to myself whether it is impatience, sadness, irritability, or anything else. In some ways I needed to let myself be more “real” to those around me, but I fear I have now gone too far overboard and there is no way to reign these issues back in.

Hopefully I am not alone in this. I know we all handle stress differently but it seems to be compounded lately for me. I fear it is only a matter of time before these outbursts begin to push away those that matter most!

Not In My Presence

5.13.2017

I recently began reading a book, called Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. While at first I was hesitant to begin reading it, the very first chapter had me casting all doubts aside. I am sure I will be posting more on this book, as I am taking my time and making sure to take in all that it has to offer when dealing with my own demons, but one particular anecdote I just couldn’t wait to share! The author tells a story of how she rushed to the airport to catch a flight and somehow left her luggage at the hotel. She tells of how she is talking down to herself – out loud – doing what most of us would do in that situation. Telling herself she is an idiot, asking who forgets their luggageRead More »

Crisis

Last month I had what I can only describe as a “mental health crisis”. It had been years since I had had an incident that severe. It came on suddenly and I still have no idea what triggered it. One minute I was having a conversation with a co-worker and the next I had to run to my office because I just became so angry and began crying…

I felt as though my skin was just crawling, like something evil was pulsing through my veins. I could barely see straight, let alone get a grasp on my thoughts. My hands were shaking, I felt as though I could just explode at any second.

I needed to cut. I needed to cry. I needed to scream. To run away. But how do you escape your own mind??

afraid-of-your-own-mind

 

 

Good Days

“The worst part of a good day is knowing it’s slipping away.” – Counting Crows

As usual, I had my Spotify playing while at work today and these lyrics hit home. For many of us who struggle with mental illness, you just never know when the darkness will hit. I’ve caught my self worrying and having anxiety when I’m having a great day because I know it won’t last. I know that it is only a matter I understand this... I wouldn't be the same without the things I've survived. I'd love to not remember the things I do, but at the same time.... At the same time, my past shaped me. And without it, I would not be who I am, and I get more comfortable with who she is every day.of time before the sadness takes over and pulls me down. I catch myself avoiding friends and family, afraid to be happy – knowing the crash that comes afterwards is not worth it. I refer to it as the “afterburn”. Have I forgotten who I am without the darkness?

I’m not sure which is worse, the loneliness when avoiding the light or the darkness that comes after it…?

 

Hiding…

This is a difficult place to leave, but sometimes you have to ask for help. Never give up.:

I’ve often wondered…Why is it so incredibly easy to fake being okay? Have we been forced to conform for so long that we do not know how to be ourselves? Is there anyone brave enough to step through the walls we’ve built and see us for who we truly are? I am the most guilty of hiding myself, of hiding my pain so as not to burden those around me. But this morning I had to stop and ask myself if it is really helping them to only know this facade?

The Fog..

Depression...:

I would give anything to break free of these chains that are holding me back. This heaviness I feel pulsing through my veins that doesn’t let me breathe, it doesn’t let me feel anything but the numbing weight of life.

I struggle to admit when I fall back into this state of mind. I go out more, I try to stay more active, but it is all just a facade. The worse I feel the harder I strive to hide it. I know it would hurt those closest to me to learn that I don’t want to go on. That breathing is a struggle.

The whispers creep back into my mind. Reminding me that this never gets better, that each time I relapse I fall even harder. Cutting used to be a release but now it doesn’t even ease the pain I feel. So I lay here. Taking one breath at a time and reminding myself over and over and over again that it will pass. It has to pass.

Fragile Bird – City & Colour

Fragile Bird Lyrics

I’ve been on a bit of a music kick lately (more than usual) and I have decided to try sharing a few each week. These songs have been a rock for me when I am down.  One of my favorite quotes is “Medicine heals the body, but music heals the soul.” There is something unexplainable about just putting on your headphones, laying in bed, and drowning out the world with lyrics that speak what you cannot.

Many times I have told friends, family, especially someone I am dating, that the best way to get to know me is to listen to my music. The raw, unbridled emotion that comes through on each playlist will tell you more about me than a conversation ever could!

Be Here Now – Ray Lamontagne

I just wanted to share the lyrics to a song that has been a staple in my life for several years. This genre may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you focus on his voice, and the lyrics, there is so much emotion and meaning behind this song. I actually have these on a canvas in my room to see every day. It is such a great reminder to focus on the here and now, to not let the anxiety of the future or regrets of the past bring you down! I also posted the link to the YouTube video below.

Always,

Meg