When did I become so afraid of happiness? My mind is heavy this morning…once again I had several wonderful days only to be hit with a weight of sorrow and depression. The reality is, that even the great days have their struggles, but they do not get me down. I am prepared to handle them, and can focus on the pleasantries of each day. It is only when I give in to being content, when I let my guard down, that the demons catch up with me and I am knocked down and left with this feeling of complete hopelessness.
Self care is not something that I practice regularly. I know how important it is, and all of the benefits but somehow I never am able to make time to just breathe. The busier I am, and the more stressed I become, I just ignore the need I have to just take some alone time and decompress even though this is when I need it most.
As you can imagine, this does not end well. For me or for those closest to me. All of the exhaustion, stress, and depression just pile up until I lash out. It takes something small, like my boo getting home later than he said he would, or something ridiculous, and I go off. Bless his heart, he has to put up with this almost daily. I am definitely not proud of it, and after I lose my temper a wave of shame comes over me.
I used to pride myself in being very controlled emotionally. I did not lose my temper or even cry in front of others. Through the last few years, this has all changed dramatically. I now struggle to keep any emotions to myself whether it is impatience, sadness, irritability, or anything else. In some ways I needed to let myself be more “real” to those around me, but I fear I have now gone too far overboard and there is no way to reign these issues back in.
Hopefully I am not alone in this. I know we all handle stress differently but it seems to be compounded lately for me. I fear it is only a matter of time before these outbursts begin to push away those that matter most!
I recently began reading a book, called Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. While at first I was hesitant to begin reading it, the very first chapter had me casting all doubts aside. I am sure I will be posting more on this book, as I am taking my time and making sure to take in all that it has to offer when dealing with my own demons, but one particular anecdote I just couldn’t wait to share! The author tells a story of how she rushed to the airport to catch a flight and somehow left her luggage at the hotel. She tells of how she is talking down to herself – out loud – doing what most of us would do in that situation. Telling herself she is an idiot, asking who forgets their luggage Continue reading
So I know that it will be okay, and that somehow I will manage to get everything turned in. But my professor (I have the same one for both classes I’m taking) puts a little note in to let us know about how long each assignment will take. One quiz is estimated to be 5 hours, and the other is 4….what’s sad is they are about 10-15 questions each! This is on top of the few hundred pages we had to read this week.
It will be worth it……….right??
I’m beginning to realize that a lot of the time I perceive issues in my relationship, it really is just something to do with me or an issue I’m dealing with. I am just the type to over analyze every little thing and I like to just get to the bottom of an issue so that it can be fixed.
I struggled this weekend, and I kept asking myself if my relationship is right. To be honest nothing at all had changed. My guy is still being the same person he was a year ago, we have grown and are stronger, but he definitely still makes an effort to show his love and everything. We are planning to buy a house, and we have been saving up for a wedding. So why do I suddenly freak out thinking that maybe we shouldn’t be together?? I have started asking myself a question whenever these thoughts start to creep in – Is it him or is it me? Is he REALLY doing anything different or hurtful? Or am I just looking for a reason to fight, or am I just being insecure and reading too much into what he says or does?
If you are anything like me we just have to take a step back and breathe! I have to accept the fact that he does love me and he wants to be with me. He actively tries to better himself and wants me to be happy. Just like I do for him.
It has taken me so long to get to this point in life, where I can trust someone and depend on them. I just always expect something to go wrong. Unfortunately, it comes from being in abusive relationships, or dating narcissistic guys in the past who were just looking to add another notch to their headboard. Who knew it would be so hard to just relax and be happy? 🙂
How are we a week in to the new year already?? Is it just me or does time just seem to fly by with no regard for the rest of us?? 🙂
I am so excited for what this year might hold! After taking a semester off from school to move and get settled back in Arkansas, I will be starting classes again this month. Which, sadly means less blogging but I am determined to writ two posts per month. So please bear with me! 2016 brought so many changes in my life, and I will expand on many of those things as well as anything new! Continue reading
Remember that you are awesome!! You can do anything that you set your mind to, if you just keep trying!