When My Depression Turns to Anger

Self care is not something that I practice regularly. I know how important it is, and all of the benefits but somehow I never am able to make time to just breathe. The busier I am, and the more stressed I become, I just ignore the need I have to just take some alone time and decompress even though this is when I need it most.

As you can imagine, this does not end well. For me or for those closest to me. All of the exhaustion, stress, and depression just pile up until I lash out. It takes something small, like my boo getting home later than he said he would, or something ridiculous, and I go off. Bless his heart, he has to put up with this almost daily. I am definitely not proud of it, and after I lose my temper a wave of shame comes over me.

I used to pride myself in being very controlled emotionally. I did not lose my temper or even cry in front of others. Through the last few years, this has all changed dramatically. I now struggle to keep any emotions to myself whether it is impatience, sadness, irritability, or anything else. In some ways I needed to let myself be more “real” to those around me, but I fear I have now gone too far overboard and there is no way to reign these issues back in.

Hopefully I am not alone in this. I know we all handle stress differently but it seems to be compounded lately for me. I fear it is only a matter of time before these outbursts begin to push away those that matter most!

Not In My Presence

5.13.2017

I recently began reading a book, called Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. While at first I was hesitant to begin reading it, the very first chapter had me casting all doubts aside. I am sure I will be posting more on this book, as I am taking my time and making sure to take in all that it has to offer when dealing with my own demons, but one particular anecdote I just couldn’t wait to share! The author tells a story of how she rushed to the airport to catch a flight and somehow left her luggage at the hotel. She tells of how she is talking down to herself – out loud – doing what most of us would do in that situation. Telling herself she is an idiot, asking who forgets their luggageRead More »

Drowning

So I know that it will be okay, and that somehow I will manage to get everything turned in. But my professor (I have the same one for both classes I’m taking) puts a little note in to let us  know about how long each assignment will take. One quiz is estimated to be 5 hours, and the other is 4….what’s sad is they are about 10-15 questions each! This is on top of the few hundred pages we had to read this week.

It will be worth it……….right??

🙂

It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m beginning to realize that a lot of the time I perceive issues in my relationship, it really is just something to do with me or an issue I’m dealing with. I am just the type to over analyze every little thing and I like to just get to the bottom of an issue so that it can be fixed.

I struggled this weekend, and I kept asking myself if my relationship is right. To be honest nothing at all had changed. My guy is still being the same person he was a year ago, we have grown and are stronger, but he definitely still makes an effort to show his love and everything. We are planning to buy a house, and we have been saving up for a wedding.  So why do I suddenly freak out thinking that maybe we shouldn’t be together?? I have started asking myself a question whenever these thoughts start to creep in – Is it him or is it me? Is he REALLY doing anything different or hurtful? Or am I just looking for a reason to fight, or am I just being insecure and reading too much into what he says or does?

If you are anything like me we just have to take a step back and breathe! I have to accept the fact that he does love me and he wants to be with me. He actively tries to better himself and wants me to be happy. Just like I do for him.

It has taken me so long to get to this point in life, where I can trust someone and depend on them. I just always expect something to go wrong. Unfortunately, it comes from being in abusive relationships, or dating narcissistic guys in the past who were just looking to add another notch to their headboard. Who knew it would be so hard to just relax and be happy? 🙂

2016 Recap

How are we a week in to the new year already?? Is it just me or does time just seem to fly by with no regard for the rest of us?? 🙂

I am so excited for what this year might hold! After taking a semester off from school to move and get settled back in Arkansas, I will be starting classes again this month. Which, sadly means less blogging but I am determined to writ two posts per month. So please bear with me! 2016 brought so many changes in my life, and I will expand on many of those things as well as anything new! Read More »

Thankful

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Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!

While many of us love the food we will have today and possibly the company of friends and family, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the changes that have taken place in the past year. Some were great, others were not…. but I know deep down we all have so much to be thankful for.

Not to be cliche, but I really am thankful to have a warm home and food on my table. On days like today I cannot help but feel for those who are not as lucky. Those struggling with hunger and homelessness. I will stop myself before I get on my soap box, as I could start an entire blog devoted to helping end each of those!!  But I implore you this season, and through the entire year, to reach out to those who are less fortunate than you. They are victims of circumstance and deserve a warm smile and a helping hand any time we can offer it.

As much as my family drives me crazy, and they are not the most upstanding people, I am thankful for each of them. For even in their struggles I have learned from their mistakes and I have discovered how to love and forgive those who do not ask for it.

I am thankful for my fur babies! We do not know unconditional love until we have been loved by a dog. To live each moment to its fullest, to explore and love with all you have is what this life is truly about! My pups have pulled me out of the darkest depression, teaching me to forget and forgive, to find a new adventure live in the moment.

I hope each of you has a wonderful Thanksgiving, stay safe!

Always,

Meg

Well…Now What?

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The 2016 Presidential elections are finally over. While some Americans are rejoicing, many of us are struggling to accept the reality that Trump will be the 45th POTUS. I can not express my disappointment enough, and I did temporarily give into the fear that comes along with this realization. But this fear and borderline depression gave way to the realization that this is not the time to give up.

Now that the news has sunk in and I have had time to analyze the situation I am becoming very inspired. It is easy to blame the DNC for what happened, stating that Bernie would have won in a landslide, and I wish we would have had the chance to see if that were true. We can blame the racists, the bigots, the big money, the deplorables,but blaming them will not get us anywhere.  We cannot dwell on the past. What’s done is done.

It is time for us to stand our ground. We must stand up for our rights and the rights of minorities. We cannot let this country give in to the hatred that seeps from Trump’s campaign.

Now is the time to rise up. We must protect what many before us have given their lives to achieve. We must fight for equality. Equal rights. Equal responsibility. Equal respect.

Crisis

Last month I had what I can only describe as a “mental health crisis”. It had been years since I had had an incident that severe. It came on suddenly and I still have no idea what triggered it. One minute I was having a conversation with a co-worker and the next I had to run to my office because I just became so angry and began crying…

I felt as though my skin was just crawling, like something evil was pulsing through my veins. I could barely see straight, let alone get a grasp on my thoughts. My hands were shaking, I felt as though I could just explode at any second.

I needed to cut. I needed to cry. I needed to scream. To run away. But how do you escape your own mind??

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