It’s okay to feel pain. It’s what you do with that hurt that builds your character. It’s okay to let it change you, to make you stronger, use it to become an even better version of yourself!
As difficult as my depression is, when it knocks me down so hard that I never want to get back up, I know I have to keep fighting. I cannot be that girl that gave up. When the pain is too hard to bear, I know that I cannot give in. Giving in would be letting everyone I love and care about down. This thought is sometimes the only thing to keep me going. Even when my thoughts take over and try to tell me that they won’t care, or that they’ll get over it. I know that it would change them. I would never want to be the reason someone else experiences this type of pain.
We have each been given our own struggles, our own battles to fight as we go along this path of life. Whether it is addiction, abuse, or mental illness, we get up each morning and keep fighting. Our spirit is strong and we do not give up! We are brave.
I would give anything to break free of these chains that are holding me back. This heaviness I feel pulsing through my veins that doesn’t let me breathe, it doesn’t let me feel anything but the numbing weight of life.
I struggle to admit when I fall back into this state of mind. I go out more, I try to stay more active, but it is all just a facade. The worse I feel the harder I strive to hide it. I know it would hurt those closest to me to learn that I don’t want to go on. That breathing is a struggle.
The whispers creep back into my mind. Reminding me that this never gets better, that each time I relapse I fall even harder. Cutting used to be a release but now it doesn’t even ease the pain I feel. So I lay here. Taking one breath at a time and reminding myself over and over and over again that it will pass. It has to pass.
It’s been three months since you took your last breaths, and yet I’m still here. Clinging to the memories we had. I couldn’t be there every day, and spending time together was an event that didn’t happen nearly enough. Between working and building a life, I took for granted the life you had built. Your life that was strong, full of faith, a rock that I could always lean on. I couldn’t be there every week like the others, and this is something that I must live with. What I would give for just one more day to sit on that porch swing and enjoy the nice summer breeze while your barn cats curl up in our laps. I never dreamed that the end would come so suddenly, with no warning, no time to prepare.
But it is not about me. This is about you. The life you lived, the family you created, and the legacy you leave behind. You lived your life for the best. You showed us how to love and be loved. Never faltering from the wedding vows you spoke so many years ago. Maintaining your faith in everything you did. As I look around, I see how much you taught each of us. Your calm spirit and stubborn demeanor have held on through us all, thank you.