As much as I struggle to be present and be happy, there is always something pulling me down. A weight on my heart that I cannot quite shake. The good is always shadowed by the fear of the inevitable. Fear of the darkness creeping through and taking hold. Avoiding conversations that may trigger this, or constantly monitoring thoughts, striving to remain positive can be overwhelming. But it is the small glimpse of light that keeps me going. When I can break free and just ‘be’. To just take in the experiences, to breathe, it doesn’t make the struggles worth it, but it shows me why I keep going. Why I keep fighting.
First of all, I just want to say how honored I am to have been included in this! I haven’t written in several months, and it seems this is just what I needed to get back into the swing of things. A huge thank you to Patrice at Wild Currents for the nomination! (https://wildcurrentsblog.wordpress.com/)
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I’ve posted about relationships in the past and it always comes back to bite me. It seems as though if I let myself get caught up in the happiness of it, I miss the warning signs. The other side is that I focus too much on every little thing that could possibly go wrong. It’s like one little comment will set off a whole chain of thoughts that I can’t stop. For instance, if the guy I care about says he wants to go into business, my mind instantly focuses on the business trips he will be going on and all of the obscene ‘events’ that take place on these trips. A coworker was an auditor for a large company in our area, she would monitor expense reports and such, and these men were getting away with expensing strippers and such. Now….I tend to have a pretty open mind when it comes to these things. I know boys will be boys…but I pray that if I do ever marry someone, they will have enough respect for me to just say no. The most frustrating it seems, is that if I voice these fears or opinions, somehow I am the ridiculous one.
Trust me when I say this…I know that it is extremely irrational and completely silly. The reason for this post is that I need to see if I am the only one that worries about these things. For those of you who are married, how on earth do you trust someone with your heart, with your life?? I’m the first to admit, I’m a worrier.. I stress about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong. This began as a way to cope, or a way to be prepared for the unexpected, but it has gotten a little our of control.
Possibly some of this has come from being in relationships where the guys couldn’t be bothered to stay faithful. They played the game, told me all the things I needed and wanted to hear…come to find out it was just a game. Just a challenge, something new. I want to believe that there is something more. Something worth breaking down the walls I’ve put up, to let someone in, let them see all of me…someone who will stay and fight through the bad times. I want someone to stand up and do what is right, even when it isn’t easy.
The lyrics to Mother & Father by Broods really stood out to me tonight, “I don’t wanna wake up lonely, I don’t wanna just be fine.” The sentence sums up perfectly what I fear, exactly what I don’t want. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be lonely with someone.
Once again, I have rambled in circles. I really should stop writing late at night…Sorry!