I have to believe that this monster can be defeated. Without that belief, without that hope, I have nothing.
Empathy…the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. To feel the pain someone close to you is feeling, to feel their excitement, fear, anger, shame, their sorrow. To experience these feelings as if they were your own. The desire to just not feel anything, to be numb.
These days it seems as though I have two settings. I either feel too much, or I feel nothing at all. One moment I am praying to feel something…To feel anything, positive or negative, just to feel alive. When my body feels as though it is not my own, when the numbing depression sets in, when I have no desire to even breathe. All I ask for is to feel a tiny spark, something to live for. Other days I feel everything. I feel the excitement from a friend who received good news. I feel the pain of a stranger being left out…
My emotions are constantly changing based on those near to me. Going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows at the drop of a hat. Each day is a roller coaster – exhausting, and unpredictable. Yet the one thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day things might improve. One day my life will be my own. One day I will beat this.